How ARE we to live?

On a friend's blog, the question came up this morning of "How are we to live?" For the past thirty to 40 minutes I've been pondering that question while reading other peoples responses. And it was humbling to read what everyone else had to say on the subject. Humbling because "My Brilliant Response" never came to me.

It did lead, however, to several things I consider essential. The first is: Make plans but expect them to change. I never wanted to be in another relationship after "the psycho". But then I met Robbie. All through that first summer I just expected us to be a fling of sorts. Oh, I missed him when I went on a vacation to Rehoboth Beach with my neighbors in August. But I wouldn't allow myself to realize that I was falling in love with him.

That all changed with four words from him the first weekend trip that we took together in October that first year. Robbie and I were standing in the parking lot of a flea market outside of Union Pier, Michigan waiting on my neighbors to finish buying some monstrous old castoff for their antique booth. I remember I daydreaming and looking at Robbie from across the lot. What brought me back to reality was me him looking me right back in the eyes and saying "I know, me too." And that was when my head caught up with what my heart had known for most of the summer. I loved him with every measure of my being. Eight years later, I still can’t believe how incredibly lucky and blessed I am to be with him.

That brings me to the second part: Live honestly. From an early age I had been taught that our lives are to be hidden from everyone. I grew up in an alcoholic household. I don't mean to garner any pity here, that's just the way it was. For those of you who aren't Adult Children Of Alcoholics, it's akin to having an elephant in your living room, but no one will acknowledge it. And you're not allowed to. EVER. So that gave me plenty of training to be able to deny any "elephants" in my own life.

As an ACOA it was easy to deny that I was gay. I denied it so well, that I ended up coming out twice. L-o-o-n-g story! I won't go into the details, but after several bad relationships (OK, all of them) I decided I couldn't live that way. So for many years after, I would always pick the wrong women to date. Or try to date anyway. They were either unattainable, mean, or just plain wrong for me. And the simple truth was that I picked those women because deep inside me I knew that I was gay and would one day end up cheating on them. And I just couldn't do that to another person. I didn't want to be one of "those guys", hooking up on the sly ( I think it's called "being on the down low"), hoping not to get caught. But eventually everyone does. So after much soul searching one evening, I came out. Again. And irrevocably.
(As a footnote to the above disastrous dating of women mentioned here, I did receive the gift of a very good friend. She's been there, supportive of me for 24 - 25 years now. Thanks for everything Kim.)

And that brings me to my third part of "How are we to live?": Live for the moment. I have a tendency to get way ahead of myself. I stopped writing years ago when a college professor of mine told me that I had talent as a writer and that while he enjoyed reading what I wrote, my grammar sucked! I also apparently had never met a comma I didn't like. (I think I would put in a comma where I would naturally pause when speaking. Not, such a great idea in print.) This was from someone who freelances and is published numerous times every month. So he knew of what he spoke.

Hey! Great! No pressure there! Now, I have to continue writing, learn grammar, and come up with new story ideas FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! I hadn't even had the first article written, let alone published. But in my head I had already won a Pulitzer and was agonizing over how I was going to follow that up. So I did the only thing I could, I walked away. Besides, how could I write the truth if I couldn't be honest about myself. [Ed. note: see previous paragraphs about being in the closet.]

So, here's the last truth for today. I worry too much. I worry that all the things that are important and meaningful to me will be taken away. I worry that the people who mean the most to me won't be there when I need them the most. I worry that being a writer means success and failure. I worry too much (although not as much as I used to) about what other people think of me. And I worry that this is just an exercise in futility, that any talent I think I have is all in my imagination.

And now, I'd like to hear from you. Let me know your thoughts on all this. I'm letting go of my fear of criticism so that I can fully live in this moment, and with your help, become more of the person I'm supposed to be.