Life Without Mom

At the beginning of the week a question was posed to the Gay Dads group on Facebook. The moderator wanted to know how we as gay men observe Mother's Day as he was doing some research for an article. I responded with a link to the post from last year with what we did. You can read last year's post here.  A few days later he came back and asked me if I could just cut it down to a few sentences as he really liked the post but wanted them in my words. I thought he was putting together something together for the Facebook group and submitted a few lines to him but it was for the Huffington Post (The Huffington Post!) and you can read that article here.

This year will have a different feel for us as it will be the first one without Robbie's mom. We were supposed to go to Michigan for the weekend to observe the day with his family, but a failed septic system has caused those plans to be scrapped. That crappy news (see what I did there?) has given me time to figure out what to do with a post I wrote a while back after having dinner with our friends Azure and Justin a few months ago. Azure was asking about how Robbie was doing with the loss of his mom and then the focus turned to me and I answered as honestly as I could about the loss I felt especially contrasted with how my mother is. I felt horrible when she started tearing up asking me more questions such as when was the last time Riley had seen her grandmother and her not understanding how anyone couldn't want to be a part of such a sweet girls life. Those tears in turn made me feel bad for making Azure so sad. I kept reassuring her that I really was okay and that I had accepted the reality of my mother. A few more tears and hugs later, we came home and I wrote the following piece. I've debated about sharing it as I really don't want to cause harm to anyone. But sometimes the best you can hope for is tell the truth and be free of it.

I’m not sure if I can do this, but here goes. Mom, you have to go. 

Really. 

I came to this conclusion after telling our story matter-of-factly to friends Saturday evening and finding them both horrified and saddened by our history over the past 5 almost 6 years. (I didn’t even delve into the prior 40 years.) While I was okay in recounting it I have come to the conclusion that sharing it does nothing but make people feel bad and that is not what I want. I try and make it somewhat comical - there is truly a fine line between comedy and tragedy - but I’m finding that most people can’t accept the distance you’ve maintained while only living twenty minutes away. And I can’t have people crying over something that I can’t fix or change. 

So, you have to go. If anyone asks, I will just simply say we don’t have a relationship, haven’t had one for years, and that it’s a mutual impasse. But that’s not really true, is it? The impasse is all yours as we have everything to try and include you in our lives from which you promptly disappeared. You’ve moved three times that I know of without telling me. Plus it’s very difficult to call someone when a phone number is never given. The last one I have of yours hasn’t worked in over 6 years - I tried it on several occasions and then just gave up.

It’s not that I got tired of everyone saying that you were making an effort to change either. We know it’s not true. Making an effort would be more than just harassing my husband at a family gathering to find out what I’m angry about. First, he told you it wasn’t his place to speak for me. Second, I’m not angry. Anger was 5 or 6 years ago. Now I just don’t have the energy to do the steps to this dance anymore. It’s too complicated, it doesn’t make any sense, and I don’t like it. 

You have to go to the shadows of the plot line. You made yourself a minor character in my life story when you moved and didn’t tell me for three months. You became the lesser character when you moved two more times after that without telling me. With your silence since July after making a production of getting our phone numbers and address your part has become smaller and smaller. With each passing day, week, month, and year you become… well, you become you.

I’ve had the great fortune to have a wonderful woman in my life for thirteen years who gave me the second greatest gift of my life. She gave me the gift of unconditional love. Robbie’s mother passed away the middle of October but she’s left a lasting impression on my life. Actually she made a lasting impression on everyone’s life who was lucky enough to have their path cross with hers. It was never a quick passing either. She was truly interested in whoever she came in contact with and always made sure that she did whatever she could to make their life even just the tiniest bit better. There is no hyperbole in those words either. She truly lived by the words of Christ whether is it was accepting a collect phone call from a stranger in jail to making sure that whoever sat at her kitchen table had more than enough to eat, or just listening to the small details of this boy’s life growing up in small town Indiana. 

Momma Lopez taught me more than anything by her actions that I deserve better. She showed me what a mother’s love really is. She and Robbie’s dad both welcomed me into their home over thirteen years ago without a second thought or one negative question. I really miss her. 

So this year we honor the memory of Robbie's mom with a small garden and possibly a bench. Maybe Robbie will feel a little less of a loss if he has a special place he can sit and talk to her. We also honor the woman who carried our daughter for us and let us become a family. And I remember the woman my mother once was, the woman who took the time to teach me how to hit a baseball, how to cook and in turn feed my family, and also how to change a spark plug. 

Coming Out... again

Recently we participated in a parenting panel at the University of Indianapolis which we've been a part of for the past 5 years. The instructor usually has us and another family (who are straight) talk a little about our families, our backgrounds, and then answer questions from the students. There are several questions that we can usually count on hearing every time and one in particular had me thinking more about my answer. That question is always about our coming out stories.

I usually chuckle and ask which time because I did it twice. I came out when I was twenty-one and then slammed the closet door back shut several years later after getting my heart broken over and over. I wanted a relationship - something more than just bed hopping. Unfortunately the times and the guys I met weren't accommodating to what I wanted, what I needed, and I decided that I couldn't take anymore and I would go back to dating women.

The second time was when I was almost thirty-three. After dating either the wrong women, or trying to date the unattainable ones I realized the reason I was picking them was because deep down I knew I wouldn't end up with any of them. And while I was being honest with myself, the reason I didn't want to end up with a woman was because I knew that at some point I would end up cheating with a man and I just couldn't do that to someone. I've had several women friends who have been in those situations and I've seen first hand the anguish they've gone through. I just couldn't be that guy.

But the truth is so much complex than those small episodes. Everyday is a coming out of some sort or another. Whenever I find myself in a new situation I wonder how much of my life I can show. Every time we're introduced to a new group of people I'm wondering how much of our life I can reveal. Most people think it's the formal process of coming out to our families, friends, or coworkers but it really is a continuing process that never ends. It would be nice to not have to act this way but until someone (us) can be open about their love life without fear of judgement or retribution this is the state of our lives - always wondering how much of our lives we can be open about.

Oh, and the second most asked question? That would be "who does her hair?" We pay a professional to keep her hair looking nice. All I can do is simple braid. If I tried to French braid it would look like I used my feet.

Three Parts Gay

Trolling the Trolls

Robbie asked me recently why I even bother to engage people on the other side of the online marriage equality debate - the ones who brandish The Bible as if it were a weapon and can’t have any discussion that doesn’t equate homosexuality to perversions with animals, children, relatives, or all of the above in different configurations. He says, rightly so, that I’m not going to change their minds. The quick answer is it’s fun to make their heads burst when I don’t stoop to their level and instead offer a prayer that they might become more Christ-like by not judging others.  Really though I do it to make our voices heard. They may be incapable of change - I hope that’s not always the case - but there might be someone who hasn’t made up their mind or maybe they’re open to other possibilities. Without saying anything we let the other side win by default.

There have been several times over the past ten years when I’ve had people I work with say that they don’t understand what the big deal is. They don’t understand why we need marriage equality “Can’t you just have legal papers drawn up?” Yeah we can and did. However they can be challenged by anyone at anytime plus we need to have them with us at all times in case of emergency.  Luckily we haven’t run into any problems but I think that says more about where we live than anything else. We chose the north side of Indianapolis for its diversity.

But back to the point: when I explain everything that we have to worry about, about the stack of legal documents that we need as opposed to one single little marriage license, the cost of one versus the other, and the fact that if one of us were to suddenly die that everything gets tied up in probate if anyone challenges our final wills/wishes, well then people become a little more sympathetic and understanding. I remind them how those types of documents are challenged all the time. Even if we have everything dotted and crossed it still takes time to defend ourselves in court - with even more expenses on top of everything else, whereas a marriage license is not likely to be contested, doesn’t require a lawyer, and is a hell of a lot cheaper and quicker to get.

So, yeah. Maybe there are some people on the fence. Or there could be some people who haven’t given it much thought. Or maybe the only side they’ve heard has been the ones who have been the most vocal about why marriage equality is wrong. Speaking up is the best thing I can do. It’s the only thing I can do and hope that it makes a difference with someone.


Gay Rights VS Religious Freedoms

Last year there was a big news story out of Washington state about a bakery that refused to do a cake for a same sex wedding. The bakery owner cited their religious beliefs as preventing them from doing anything that could be construed as supporting gay marriage. The offended couple sued and won. I’m all for social progress but I really don’t think this is the way to go about it.

This may not be popular with some in the LGBT community but I don’t think we need special laws to protect us from bigoted business people and I’ll tell you why.  If a private business doesn’t want to do business with a gay couple - or even single gay people - then they shouldn’t be legally forced to. Do I think that’s right for them to refuse someone based on their sexual orientation? Absolutely not. But it’s not my business to run or make decisions for them. There are plenty of other businesses out there that would be glad to take our money.

Just a few years ago there was a business here in Indianapolis that refused to do cookies for a National Coming Our Day event at IUPUI. The owner said he in good consciousness couldn’t make cookies for something that he and his wife felt would be against there religious beliefs. Another business, The Flying Cupcake, stepped in and made cupcakes for the event. Personally I’ve purchased many times from The Flying Cupcake if nothing else just to make sure that they knew how much I appreciated what they did - and they make a fabulous red velvet cupcake.

When Robbie and I were planning our commitment ceremony 10 years ago, we made a point to let all the vendors know that we were a gay couple and what we were doing. While doing research we read a few horror stories of last minute cancellations once a vendor realized they would be doing a gay wedding. We didn’t want that to happen and I think because of the honesty up front everything went perfect for us, everyone from the photographers to the bakery to the minister were amazing and did an amazing job making sure that we had a great day. If you had to choose between a place that was forced by law to serve you or the place that will graciously do business with you, I think the smart choice is the latter one.


Living Life The Best Way We Know How

Here’s the final part of the trilogy of thoughts. I think there is way too much shouting going on from both sides. Several years ago we were told by friends of ours that they were going to become Mommies because of what Robbie and I did by becoming fathers. That was the highest compliment I have ever received. We didn’t set out to be role models, but somehow we’ve become that for a small group of people. It’s also one of the reasons I do this blog - to let people see how really ordinary our lives are and how similar to theirs it is. We’re not perfect, far from it in fact which is one of the things people (straight people) are surprised to find out. We have the same arguments, the same worries, and the same dreams for our children that everyone else has. There is no “Gay Agenda” other than to make it through another day and thank God for everything we have.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it many more times that I’m the luckiest man in the world. I have the most understanding and supportive spouse that a guy could have. We’re lucky to have a beautiful, smart, funny, and caring daughter that I would do anything to protect from the harms in this world. We have a crazy ten year old Westie who acts more like a puppy than he probably should. A lot of this has less to do with luck than it does with a mindset.

I use to worry way to much about what other people thought of me and my life. It was exhausting living that way. It wasn’t an overnight realization and change of ways, but rather a pattern of one thing following another. You find out that it isn’t such a big deal at work to talk about your personal life when you quit playing the pronoun game. Then you realize that you can talk about your significant other and people go “Oh, I didn’t realize you were dating.” Then you think if everyone else around me is sharing about their life, then it’s no big deal to have pictures of my family at my desk. In fact it has opened up quite a few conversations, very respectable questions 99% of the time. The other 1% I think is just a lack of tact in asking questions with no ill intent behind them. At least that’s how I choose to look at it. If I start to question people’s motives it becomes exhausting always having my guard up.

So we live our lives. We don’t hide who we are. We don’t go around demanding that people accept us. Life is too short for constant confrontation. I hope that people are a little more accepting of us because of that and realize that we aren‘t so different after all. If you get past the differences, you might find out that we have more in common than you think.

Bullies and Marriage Equality

Faggot. Queer. Cocksucker.

I’ll take “Names from high school” for $1000 Alex. Yup, I heard them all. Now I wonder how they knew about me back then when I never acted on my feelings. Okay, there was that one time at band camp, but I’m not sure that mutual masturbation under the covers truly counts as a sexual encounter.  Quasi-encounter maybe. But my first full blown (no pun intended) gay sexual experience didn't occur until I was 21.

I debated about putting a warning at the beginning of this because that language isn't what I normally put into my writing. But I figured the shock might be good for readers to have - if they’re shocked at all. I certainly was when I was reminded of how strangers are during an online debate about marriage equality here in Indiana. Once the other guy pulled out the queer word I thanked him for the reminder of what people really think and that I mistakenly thought I had left the bullying shoved into a corner of my high school locker like some wadded up piece of notebook paper. Luckily  though I was never stuffed into one - even though  back then I probably would have fit. I did however have books knocked out of my hands, got tripped in the hallway one day, faggot and cocksucker hissed at me in passing, and once had my school t-shirt ripped off one shoulder in the lunch line. That was a fun afternoon going around from class to class with my shirt held together on one side by a couple of safety pins all because two of school jocks decided they couldn't wait behind me.

So even if I did leave all that back in high school, there are plenty of people to remind me that they haven’t. People like Mike Delph, Micah Clark, Mike Pence, and a cast of several dozen internet commentators (not here) who remind me on a daily basis that the “home-sek-shuls” are not fit to breath the same air as the fine upstanding, God fearing, bible thumping, people of the Great State of Indiana! Why how dare I say that I’m a Christian? How dare I raise a child in this god-less house with my deviant husband? How dare I still live? Why I should just go kill myself and save humanity from my evil wicked ways. Yes, I've heard that one also.

But I’m the bully. Any guesses as to why? Because I demand to have my civil rights is why. Because I refuse to go “back in the closet” or better “see the sickness and depravity of” my life by opening my eyes. The latter help came from a man who said he lived the same “sick deviant” life that I live until he woke up one day to see how sick it really was. I wanted to say that he apparently wasn't doing it right (or maybe he was?) but instead I just said that my family and I would be praying that one day he would wake up and see that judging people wasn't his job and that he would be able to accept all people just as Christ did. I think I actually heard his head explode all the way from northern Indiana at that one.

Here’s the irony of the whole marriage equality debate. I’m already married. We were married in a church in a very traditional ceremony right here in Indianapolis. The difference between our wedding and state sanctioned marriages? There were two grooms at the altar and no license. We had called it a commitment ceremony, but that changed once we heard the minister introduce us at church services the next morning as having been married in their sanctuary the previous day. We were stunned when the whole congregation cheered. They cheered for two queer men who had stood at the front of their church and declared in front of our families, our friend, and our God that we would be spend the rest of our lives together.

Here are a few things to consider if you're on the other side from me on this issue: A county clerk's office issues a marriage license, not a church. You don't have to be married in a church for it to be legal. Without going into all the other "arguments" what a marriage is at it's most base level is a legal contract between two consenting adults of legal age witnessed by two other adults of consenting age. A person can't marry a toaster or their dog because the first is an inanimate object and the second is an animal and neither is capable of signing a legal contract.

Faggot. Six letters, one really harsh word. But you know what? I would rather hear it than have someone be told they aren't allowed to use it. At least then I’ll know who I’m dealing with once it escapes their lips. Call it gay marriage if you want, it doesn't make it any different than what you and your spouse have. If allowing me and my husband to be legally married somehow threatens your "straight" marriage then I strongly suspect there are other issues at work that have nothing to do with two men or two women getting married.

October 30, 2004 - Central Christian Church

A Home in Indiana?

Today I was watching some of the Indiana Senate hearing on HJR-3. For those not familiar with HJR-3 (formerly HJR-6) it is a proposed amendment to the Indiana Constitution that would prohibit marriage equality or anything resembling marriage for gay people. Indiana requires any changes to the state constitution to be ratified by two consecutive legislative sessions before going to a voter referendum. Here is the language that was passed in the prior legislature:

HJR-3 Language

“Only a marriage between one (1) man and one (1) woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Indiana.

“A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized.”

(and here is where I had a whole bunch of dry facts about the legislative process - none of which I wanted to read through so I'm sure no one else did either)

A few weeks ago the Indiana House passed HJR-3 without the second sentence. Today the Senate committee heard testimony and voted to send it to the full Senate also without the second sentence and it will very likely come to a vote later this week. During all the testimony I read the live feed on Facebook and Twitter while trying to hold down the fear of what the passage of HJR-3‪‎ will mean to my family. I wonder if people realize that this is more than just legally defining marriage in this state, but is more about how Indiana will view my family. We are a happy little bunch, and I know we are loved by our family and friends here. But to live in the state I grew up in and returned home to so we could raise our daughter would become unthinkable and not possible any longer. There is a limit to what a stack of legal paperwork can do to protect us and it is a large stack. 

I'm not sure how things will turn out, but to hear several groups stand on research as to why a mother and a father are necessary for children to have any hopes of growing up well adjusted made we wonder how things got so twisted around. We speak about the legal protections afforded by marriage and they shout "but the bible defines marriage as one man, one woman!" They speak of stable traditional homes as the basis for child rearing and we ask "isn't that what we're doing now?" 

Seriously. The picture of values the conservative right is painting is one very similar to what we have with the only difference being there are two guys instead of a guy and a gal under this roof raising a child. We have dinner as a family every night. Robbie is on the school PTO. We both attend our daughters recitals. We wonder if our 50 year old septic system will hold up until the city finally comes through with city services. We vote and pay taxes. We worry if our daughter is doing well enough in school. And now we worry about this piece of legislation. 

This is what it boils down to: This is a legal matter not a religious one. Marriage licenses are issued by county clerks not by churches to two consenting adults. Not three or more. Not to an adult and a minor. Or animals. Or toasters. The last three are precluded from signing legal contracts - the first because they aren't old enough, the latter because they are either not a cognizant or sentient being. There is no clause saying you have to procreate or have a religious ceremony when you apply for one - both of which being arguments for denying marriage equality. If your church doesn't support same sex marriage then you can believe that your church won't be forced to perform any. In fact I can personally guarantee that we won't even set foot in your sanctuary. 

And here's a question for the conservative religious faction. If you really think that religion should be a reason for enacting laws then which religion should it be? Hebrew, Muslim, Buddhism, Scientology, or any of the other numerous religion? Christians can't even agree on the same interpretation of the Bible whether they be Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, or Episcopalian. There is a very practical reason for separation of church and state - no one has ever been able to find a common ground among all of them. Okay maybe one thing - Love.