This Is A Test. It Is Only A Test.

You ever have those times when you wonder if someone is following you around with a video camera?  One of those times when you wonder if the big guy upstairs suddenly has a hankering to find out if you're paying attention.  This past few months has been like that for me.  Seriously.  Just when you think you have things figured out (mistake number one) something happens that throws you a curve ball.

You start something innocently enough like a blog (ok, I started a blog. I don't know what you personally have done) just for fun and to get back into the habit of writing.  You think to yourself, this could be fun (again, me) and what harm could it cause (mistake number two) with just jotting down a few random thoughts.  But before you start thinking something nefarious is underway, let me assure you that it's not.  I'm not considering pulling the plug here.

It's just that recently I've been presented with more than a few opportunities for self reflection.  As many jokes abound about navel gazing (see any reference to Grey's Anatomy), I feel that a certain amount of introspection from time to time is healthy and necessary if one is to grow as a human being.  The last opportunity seems to come right on the heels of my posting about not concerning myself with events decades ago.  That my stance would be one of only being concerned with the here and now as this is the only time in which I can ascertain what is true.

The problem with that is, it's difficult to stick to it when people want to interject what their version of the truth is.  Seriously, did I ask?  There are some things that truly are better left unsaid.  What's the old saying?  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Unless you're part of the cast of Steel Magnolias and in that case you can sit right by Miss Clairee.

Is there anything to be gained by picking at old wounds?  I've been reading a book called "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck, MD.  In it he postulates that evil is a very real and all too common occurrence around all of us.  The problem he's found is that what most people subscribe to as evil - Hitler comes to mind - isn't always the case.  Evil can reside in the least obvious of people.  These people "...except for their evil, are most ordinary.  They live down the street-on any street.  They may be rich or poor, educated or uneducated.  There is little that is dramatic abut them.  They are not designated criminals.  More often than not they will be 'solid citizens'-Sunday school teachers, policemen, or bankers, and active in the PTA."

He goes on further to explain that what makes them evil isn't necessarily what they do, but what they don't do.  They make excuses about why they did or didn't create change in a situation to affect something positive instead of negative in this world.  An all to common refrain heard from them is that they are doing the best they can, that they didn't realize there was a problem.

The story  that so far that has touched me is one Dr. Peck relates about a fifteen year old boy who was remanded to the local hospital for psychiatric evaluation after stealing and subsequently wrecking a car after the new year.  During the evaluation it was discovered that while previously a solid B student, the boy's grades had been sliding all year.  It came to light that the boys older brother had committed suicide with a .22 rifle the previous summer.  Later, it was revealed that the boys parents had given him a gun for Christmas.  A .22 rifle.  And not just any .22, but the exact one that the boy's brother had used to commit suicide.

The parents didn't realize that they had done anything wrong.  They defended their choice by saying that they were simple working people, money was tight and that in their community a rifle was a perfectly fine gift for a fifteen year old.  What they failed to recognize was that to their son, they might as well have engraved it with the words "Here.  Your brother knew what to do. It's your turn."

But back to where I started and I do have a point to make.  Recently, one of my brothers had been reading this blog and made a comment about me being bitter.  I really don't think that I am.  Bitter would be lashing out at anyone that I thought had harmed me over the years.  Bitterness would prevent me from seeing all the joy around me.  Being bitter would do irreparable harm to my daughter.  She brings way too much joy to our lives for me to allow that.  And honestly, I'm enjoying my life too much to dwell for very long on things in the past. 

So maybe this is a defense of what I write about.  Some of it is just trying to figure things out.  Some of it is a eulogy of sorts in order to just let go of things.  And most of it is self examination, to question my motives, and to make sure that the things I say or do are for the right reasons.  Do I always hit the mark.  No, definitely not.  I'm only human after all and to be human is to be with sin.  But to not examine our sins, that is what is truly evil.