Happy New Year!

Robbie says he thinks New Years Eve is over rated.  People have this high expectation of what the evening will bring, parties should be over the top, drinking, revelry and all sorts of merriment.  And while I've been a participant to several memorable New Year's Eve celebrations, this morning I awoke to the thoughts of Janus, the Roman god of gates.  He is associated with the New Year in that walking through a gate or doorway is thought to be the start of new beginnings. 

This is close to the image of Janus that I had in my head when I woke up from my dream this morning. The image I had in my head was of two distinct expressions on his face.  And like this coin, his visage was just from the neck up.  I don't remember seeing a depiction of Janus that was more than just the bust.  I also have an image in my head that one of the faces is scowling.  It could be that I'm confusing Janus with the masks that are representative of theater - comedy/tragedy - which would also be a suitable way of looking at the past and future.  What's the expression?  If I didn't laugh, I'd have to cry.

For me, Janus represents how one looks at both the past and the future.  Which face are we to choose to look forward and/or back from?   Do we look with a scowl or with a sense of wonderment? Maybe the beauty in Janus is that the way one chooses to look at things isn't fixed, but is changeable.  And I think that being able to change your viewpoint is a better, more healthy way of seeing and experiencing the world around you. 

This Is A Test. It Is Only A Test.

You ever have those times when you wonder if someone is following you around with a video camera?  One of those times when you wonder if the big guy upstairs suddenly has a hankering to find out if you're paying attention.  This past few months has been like that for me.  Seriously.  Just when you think you have things figured out (mistake number one) something happens that throws you a curve ball.

You start something innocently enough like a blog (ok, I started a blog. I don't know what you personally have done) just for fun and to get back into the habit of writing.  You think to yourself, this could be fun (again, me) and what harm could it cause (mistake number two) with just jotting down a few random thoughts.  But before you start thinking something nefarious is underway, let me assure you that it's not.  I'm not considering pulling the plug here.

It's just that recently I've been presented with more than a few opportunities for self reflection.  As many jokes abound about navel gazing (see any reference to Grey's Anatomy), I feel that a certain amount of introspection from time to time is healthy and necessary if one is to grow as a human being.  The last opportunity seems to come right on the heels of my posting about not concerning myself with events decades ago.  That my stance would be one of only being concerned with the here and now as this is the only time in which I can ascertain what is true.

The problem with that is, it's difficult to stick to it when people want to interject what their version of the truth is.  Seriously, did I ask?  There are some things that truly are better left unsaid.  What's the old saying?  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Unless you're part of the cast of Steel Magnolias and in that case you can sit right by Miss Clairee.

Is there anything to be gained by picking at old wounds?  I've been reading a book called "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck, MD.  In it he postulates that evil is a very real and all too common occurrence around all of us.  The problem he's found is that what most people subscribe to as evil - Hitler comes to mind - isn't always the case.  Evil can reside in the least obvious of people.  These people "...except for their evil, are most ordinary.  They live down the street-on any street.  They may be rich or poor, educated or uneducated.  There is little that is dramatic abut them.  They are not designated criminals.  More often than not they will be 'solid citizens'-Sunday school teachers, policemen, or bankers, and active in the PTA."

He goes on further to explain that what makes them evil isn't necessarily what they do, but what they don't do.  They make excuses about why they did or didn't create change in a situation to affect something positive instead of negative in this world.  An all to common refrain heard from them is that they are doing the best they can, that they didn't realize there was a problem.

The story  that so far that has touched me is one Dr. Peck relates about a fifteen year old boy who was remanded to the local hospital for psychiatric evaluation after stealing and subsequently wrecking a car after the new year.  During the evaluation it was discovered that while previously a solid B student, the boy's grades had been sliding all year.  It came to light that the boys older brother had committed suicide with a .22 rifle the previous summer.  Later, it was revealed that the boys parents had given him a gun for Christmas.  A .22 rifle.  And not just any .22, but the exact one that the boy's brother had used to commit suicide.

The parents didn't realize that they had done anything wrong.  They defended their choice by saying that they were simple working people, money was tight and that in their community a rifle was a perfectly fine gift for a fifteen year old.  What they failed to recognize was that to their son, they might as well have engraved it with the words "Here.  Your brother knew what to do. It's your turn."

But back to where I started and I do have a point to make.  Recently, one of my brothers had been reading this blog and made a comment about me being bitter.  I really don't think that I am.  Bitter would be lashing out at anyone that I thought had harmed me over the years.  Bitterness would prevent me from seeing all the joy around me.  Being bitter would do irreparable harm to my daughter.  She brings way too much joy to our lives for me to allow that.  And honestly, I'm enjoying my life too much to dwell for very long on things in the past. 

So maybe this is a defense of what I write about.  Some of it is just trying to figure things out.  Some of it is a eulogy of sorts in order to just let go of things.  And most of it is self examination, to question my motives, and to make sure that the things I say or do are for the right reasons.  Do I always hit the mark.  No, definitely not.  I'm only human after all and to be human is to be with sin.  But to not examine our sins, that is what is truly evil.

Over the river and through...

So it was more like over the freeway overpass and through the interchanges to my brother's, my cousin's and our friend's houses we go.  And go.  And go.  Whew!  Two weeks later and I'm still stuffed!  Three Thanksgivings in one day is almost too much for anyone to endure.  But endure we did and ended the day not only with full stomachs but hearts as well.

In many ways, our day was exactly what Thanksgiving was meant to be.  A day for giving thanks for all the bounty that the year has given us.  We are truly blessed to have the many friends in our lives.  Truly blessed that loved ones are healthy and with us once again this year.  And blessed that I've been given an opportunity to reconnect with family that for too many years has been absent.  An absence that was made all too painfully aware to me once we were all face to face.

And what do I have to thank most of all for this reunion of sorts?  Facebook.  For all the vilification that particular social networking site has been under for the past several months (it seems that everyone has written something about why they hate Facebook) it does help keep the people who are important to you connected.  And in some cases, it can aid in reconnecting.  Sure there are annoying things about Facebook such as those people who feel it necessary to let you know what they are doing every second of their day.  (Who do they think they are?  The Kardashians?)  But for me, it has proven to be invaluable for staying connected with those people who I want to be a part of my life.  It's easy to ignore the rest - especially since Facebook allows you to ignore individuals news feeds.

But this isn't an endorsement for Facebook.  It's about this time of year and what should be important to everyone.  A friend of mine recently made a comment about how overwhelming this time of year can be.  All the expectations of the perfect holidays that is crammed down our collective gullets via commercials, movies, and holiday TV specials.  The truth is, I think, that the Norman Rockwell type of holiday never truly existed.  He after all was an artist who captured a slice of Americana in a way that was meant for the covers of a magazine.  Covers meant to sell that magazine to the public.  And we bought it. 

The flip side of it is that I've been looking forward to this Christmas as it will be the first one in which Riley is aware of what is going on.  She's already noticing all the light displays that people have up in their yards and says "Ooh, daddy!  Pretty!  I don't know that she understands Santa Claus yet.  And no, we haven't taken her to see him.  I don't relish the thought of her being terrified of some strange bearded fat man in a red velvet suit.  I remember being dumb struck every time I sat on his lap - after all, he knew everything!  (He knows when you've been naughty or nice.) 

But at the same time, it's all about making good memories for her and for us.  We don't want to go overboard with the presents.  We also don't want her to miss the true meaning of the holiday.  We want her to grow up knowing that the meaning behind Christmas is about the birth of a boy.  A boy who grew up to fulfill his destiny to be the ultimate sacrifice for the salvation of all mankind.  And it's a time for family to gather together and remember too all those who have passed before us.  For in some way, all those dear loved ones who are no longer here, made some small sacrifice for us to have a better life.  That's what I'm thankful for.  In remembering the past, a warm patina is added that deepens over the years.  And our hope is that Riley (and all children) will end up with memories that are even more special.