Note: This post was started w-a-y back seven months ago. I never posted it (as some of you well know) because... well, because I was scared of repercussions. Fear is a good thing to have in certain circumstances. For instance when being confronted by a bear, fear is a very good thing. Sometimes though, fear is just a useless emotion. In this instance, especially so. But after my last post, I felt it was time to put it out there.
January 16, 2009 - There's a few reasons why I'm writing this post. First is about my relationship with my mother. Or lack there of more precisely. And before you start writing to me about what a terrible son I am, there are things you need to know.
First, I've tried for years to have some sort of normal relationship with my mother. Nothing would make me happier. I'm not sure what though, if anything could make her happy. I've not seen or talked to her since Riley's first birthday party the first weekend in May. I tried to get a hold of her several times over the next month after that without success. Every time I called, I received a prerecorded message that said that the wireless customer I was trying to contact was unavailable. (update: she called once in February after she was released from a hospital stay.)
Even when I was in the hospital in mid June (2008), I tried several times to call and let her know where I was. Oh, nothing really major. Just kidney stones again. I was admitted because they couldn't manage my pain with prescription medication and they had to break out the heavy artillery, mainly morphine. Pure bliss when it hits and the pain is completely gone. If I didn't like being lucid so much, I could understand why people get hooked on it.
Second, I've been blessed to have had some mighty fine substitute mothers in my adult years. One of them is the mother of Haven Kimmel who happens to be a good friend of mine. Some of you might have heard of her. Those of you who haven't, run right over to her website and blog right now. Especially this particular post of hers. http://havenkimmel.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/surely-goodness-and-mercy/ I'll give you some time to check it out. (Her blog is still there, but is inactive at this time... her last few posts will tell you why.)
Are you back already?
I have to tell you that reading that particular post makes my heart ache. It aches for the love of a mother that doesn't exist for me or my brothers. And if Haven reads this she will find some way of trying to ease the ache within me with an emotional balm made from her own soothing words mixed with a good quote or two from someone far wiser than I could ever hope to be. But the point I hope to make is that my mother, while she isn't the most attentive or compassionate mother out there, she could have done a lot worse by us. Susan Smith comes to mind. Mother gets it honestly as her mother could be the coldest woman on the planet and say the most hurtful destructive things to her own children and grandchildren. And while this may explain mother's behaviour, it doesn't excuse her from not making the effort to recognize the same patterns and trying to change. And that is what the true tragedy of her life is.
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