Bullies and Marriage Equality

Faggot. Queer. Cocksucker.

I’ll take “Names from high school” for $1000 Alex. Yup, I heard them all. Now I wonder how they knew about me back then when I never acted on my feelings. Okay, there was that one time at band camp, but I’m not sure that mutual masturbation under the covers truly counts as a sexual encounter.  Quasi-encounter maybe. But my first full blown (no pun intended) gay sexual experience didn't occur until I was 21.

I debated about putting a warning at the beginning of this because that language isn't what I normally put into my writing. But I figured the shock might be good for readers to have - if they’re shocked at all. I certainly was when I was reminded of how strangers are during an online debate about marriage equality here in Indiana. Once the other guy pulled out the queer word I thanked him for the reminder of what people really think and that I mistakenly thought I had left the bullying shoved into a corner of my high school locker like some wadded up piece of notebook paper. Luckily  though I was never stuffed into one - even though  back then I probably would have fit. I did however have books knocked out of my hands, got tripped in the hallway one day, faggot and cocksucker hissed at me in passing, and once had my school t-shirt ripped off one shoulder in the lunch line. That was a fun afternoon going around from class to class with my shirt held together on one side by a couple of safety pins all because two of school jocks decided they couldn't wait behind me.

So even if I did leave all that back in high school, there are plenty of people to remind me that they haven’t. People like Mike Delph, Micah Clark, Mike Pence, and a cast of several dozen internet commentators (not here) who remind me on a daily basis that the “home-sek-shuls” are not fit to breath the same air as the fine upstanding, God fearing, bible thumping, people of the Great State of Indiana! Why how dare I say that I’m a Christian? How dare I raise a child in this god-less house with my deviant husband? How dare I still live? Why I should just go kill myself and save humanity from my evil wicked ways. Yes, I've heard that one also.

But I’m the bully. Any guesses as to why? Because I demand to have my civil rights is why. Because I refuse to go “back in the closet” or better “see the sickness and depravity of” my life by opening my eyes. The latter help came from a man who said he lived the same “sick deviant” life that I live until he woke up one day to see how sick it really was. I wanted to say that he apparently wasn't doing it right (or maybe he was?) but instead I just said that my family and I would be praying that one day he would wake up and see that judging people wasn't his job and that he would be able to accept all people just as Christ did. I think I actually heard his head explode all the way from northern Indiana at that one.

Here’s the irony of the whole marriage equality debate. I’m already married. We were married in a church in a very traditional ceremony right here in Indianapolis. The difference between our wedding and state sanctioned marriages? There were two grooms at the altar and no license. We had called it a commitment ceremony, but that changed once we heard the minister introduce us at church services the next morning as having been married in their sanctuary the previous day. We were stunned when the whole congregation cheered. They cheered for two queer men who had stood at the front of their church and declared in front of our families, our friend, and our God that we would be spend the rest of our lives together.

Here are a few things to consider if you're on the other side from me on this issue: A county clerk's office issues a marriage license, not a church. You don't have to be married in a church for it to be legal. Without going into all the other "arguments" what a marriage is at it's most base level is a legal contract between two consenting adults of legal age witnessed by two other adults of consenting age. A person can't marry a toaster or their dog because the first is an inanimate object and the second is an animal and neither is capable of signing a legal contract.

Faggot. Six letters, one really harsh word. But you know what? I would rather hear it than have someone be told they aren't allowed to use it. At least then I’ll know who I’m dealing with once it escapes their lips. Call it gay marriage if you want, it doesn't make it any different than what you and your spouse have. If allowing me and my husband to be legally married somehow threatens your "straight" marriage then I strongly suspect there are other issues at work that have nothing to do with two men or two women getting married.

October 30, 2004 - Central Christian Church

A Home in Indiana?

Today I was watching some of the Indiana Senate hearing on HJR-3. For those not familiar with HJR-3 (formerly HJR-6) it is a proposed amendment to the Indiana Constitution that would prohibit marriage equality or anything resembling marriage for gay people. Indiana requires any changes to the state constitution to be ratified by two consecutive legislative sessions before going to a voter referendum. Here is the language that was passed in the prior legislature:

HJR-3 Language

“Only a marriage between one (1) man and one (1) woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Indiana.

“A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized.”

(and here is where I had a whole bunch of dry facts about the legislative process - none of which I wanted to read through so I'm sure no one else did either)

A few weeks ago the Indiana House passed HJR-3 without the second sentence. Today the Senate committee heard testimony and voted to send it to the full Senate also without the second sentence and it will very likely come to a vote later this week. During all the testimony I read the live feed on Facebook and Twitter while trying to hold down the fear of what the passage of HJR-3‪‎ will mean to my family. I wonder if people realize that this is more than just legally defining marriage in this state, but is more about how Indiana will view my family. We are a happy little bunch, and I know we are loved by our family and friends here. But to live in the state I grew up in and returned home to so we could raise our daughter would become unthinkable and not possible any longer. There is a limit to what a stack of legal paperwork can do to protect us and it is a large stack. 

I'm not sure how things will turn out, but to hear several groups stand on research as to why a mother and a father are necessary for children to have any hopes of growing up well adjusted made we wonder how things got so twisted around. We speak about the legal protections afforded by marriage and they shout "but the bible defines marriage as one man, one woman!" They speak of stable traditional homes as the basis for child rearing and we ask "isn't that what we're doing now?" 

Seriously. The picture of values the conservative right is painting is one very similar to what we have with the only difference being there are two guys instead of a guy and a gal under this roof raising a child. We have dinner as a family every night. Robbie is on the school PTO. We both attend our daughters recitals. We wonder if our 50 year old septic system will hold up until the city finally comes through with city services. We vote and pay taxes. We worry if our daughter is doing well enough in school. And now we worry about this piece of legislation. 

This is what it boils down to: This is a legal matter not a religious one. Marriage licenses are issued by county clerks not by churches to two consenting adults. Not three or more. Not to an adult and a minor. Or animals. Or toasters. The last three are precluded from signing legal contracts - the first because they aren't old enough, the latter because they are either not a cognizant or sentient being. There is no clause saying you have to procreate or have a religious ceremony when you apply for one - both of which being arguments for denying marriage equality. If your church doesn't support same sex marriage then you can believe that your church won't be forced to perform any. In fact I can personally guarantee that we won't even set foot in your sanctuary. 

And here's a question for the conservative religious faction. If you really think that religion should be a reason for enacting laws then which religion should it be? Hebrew, Muslim, Buddhism, Scientology, or any of the other numerous religion? Christians can't even agree on the same interpretation of the Bible whether they be Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, or Episcopalian. There is a very practical reason for separation of church and state - no one has ever been able to find a common ground among all of them. Okay maybe one thing - Love. 

A Tree Grows in Driftwood Hills

Recently Riley has taken to telling stories about her birth mother. At first it was a bit alarming causing us to pause for a moment and question if we somehow were not giving Riley everything she needed. Then we found out that the neighbor girls who are also adopted are doing something very similar in talking about their own birth parents. The alarm bells quieted a bit since those girls have both an adoptive mom and dad.

Mother's day just passed and this year made it especially poignant with the tales she has been spinning of things that have happened with both her birth mother and now recently her birth father. We talk with her and give her what little information we have and feel that is appropriate to share. Robbie's sister is adopted as well so we do have some reference sources right in the family on how to handle the questions and stories.

Her school experience has  been extremely wonderful and for Mother's Day this year she brought home handmade cards for both of her daddies as well as one she made for her birth mother that she placed in the mailbox. Our letter carrier has been a real gem over the years, taking in the pieces of hand made art that Riley places there and even leaving a personal thank you several times. But this time the card for her birth mother made me think hard about our and Riley's situation. I had Robbie retrieve the card and together with a personal note from us and a photo of Riley they will be sent to the Adoption Link to go into a file in case Riley's birth mother decided she wants to know more about the little girl she left in our care 6 years ago.

6 years. Six. Our little girl is six years old now and it just seems like yesterday that I was holding her in my arms for the first time and weeping at the pure joy of finally being a father. I think I cried for a good 15 -20 minutes as I was giving her a bottle while sitting in that huge rocking recliner on the second floor offices of the adoption agency. Riley never took her eyes off me the entire time. There have been two times in my life that I've been absolutely sure I was doing the right thing. One is the day that I married Robbie (yeah, not legal but still a marriage) and the second was the first moment I held my daughter in my arms.

But now with her birth mother stories I have doubts. Doubts that we will be able to give Riley everything she needs. I read all day Sunday of the wonderful tributes people paid to the mothers and women in their lives that have helped shape who they have become. Those stories only increased my worry (have I mentioned that if worrying were an Olympic sport I would take the gold every 4 years?) So I did the exact opposite of what I wanted to do - I talked to Riley with Robbie about her birth mother, how her mother loved her very much, wanted us to have her as our own daughter and to take care of her because she wasn't able to.

We then asked Riley if she would like to pick out a tree or rose bush of some kind to plant in honor of the women who gave her life and she thought that was a great idea. We have a local garden shop fairly close to our home and we drove over to find just the right plant. After wandering around for a while looking at various trees and plants Riley seemed a little overwhelmed. That's when I remembered the Eastern Redbud  They are native to this area and are covered in lavender blooms every spring before the leaves come out. Heart shaped leaves. Once I pointed those leaves out to Riley she was very excited and wanted to get that one to plant in honor of her birth mother. I hope this is a way for her to connect with her birth mother since we don't know where she is other than somewhere in Chicago.

The stories have grown more elaborate over the past few months and I've been reassured that this is very normal for adopted children but part of me still worries that she is going to feel somehow cheated out of growing up with a mother around. We try to compensate by having as many women in her life as we possibly can - hopefully that and our love will be enough.