THE Question We Are Most Asked

The question we inevitably are asked more than any other is "When are you getting Riley a sibling?" The quick answer is that we're always trying, but it doesn't seem to take. I've been told that's a bit rude and too much information for some people. To which I say if they are going to be rude enough to ask about our personal plans they deserve a rude answer.

But not really. It's meant as a joke. People seem to genuinely want to know about how we became parents, the process that we had to go through and would we do it again. Wording is everything people. I've previously wrote about how we became a family and the steps we had to go through. Some would say hoops, but in hindsight it doesn't seem like it was that much to go through to have the gift that is our daughter. Would we do it again? In a heartbeat - or a lifetime of them.

Riley will be six this year, I'll be 52 and Robbie will be 43. While our original thought was that we wanted Riley to have a sibling the reality is the math just isn't there. Not only are we of the age that a lot of our heterosexual peers are either becoming grandparents (great-grandparents in some instances) or sending their children off to college, we can't swing the fees we would incur with the adoption process. It's not cheap folks. We could throw caution to the wind and live on the very precipice of financial solvency but we would like to think that if something were to happen to our home, health, or jobs that we would be able to manage. Throw another person into the mix at this point and we could rapidly approach the point of homelessness if something were to happen. Yes there are tax breaks for adoption and other incentives to help defray the cost, but those are only available once the adoption is finalized. Adoption can take years - it was a 2 1/2 year process with Riley.

But, and this is a rather large but, we also are open to anything happening. If God gives us a baby we would not say no, somehow we would make it work. There have been a couple of instances in the past few years where we have been asked to think about adopting. One instance was a high school girl who asked us to think about adopting her unborn child. We talked about it and decided that if she wanted to put her baby up for adoption we would do it. Then a week later she had her first ultra sound and the baby became a real person to her. Her son will be two this summer and our family remains three. If you remember School House Rock, three is the magic number.

It is never easy when our daughter says that she wants a little sister (some days it's a brother) and we have to think of something to tell her that she can relate to as to why she won't be a big sister. More than once we've had to explain that when she says she is getting a little sister or brother that is just her active imagination at work. One can always dream though.


Yes, dream. I wrote the part above at the beginning of the week and had my number one critic and fan read it. He said it wasn't my usual work - it wasn't bad, just very matter of fact and a bit cold with the talk of costs being the main focus. So here's the truth about this question for me. I would love to have another baby. There are times that I can literally feel an ache inside and it usually occurs when I'm around babies or get the announcement that friends are expecting.

Several months ago I was listening to the syndicated morning radio program "The Bert Show" when one of the co-hosts Jenn Hobby announced that she and her husband were finally expectant parents. They had been trying for quite a while and had to have the help of fertility specialists. Jenn spoke very emotionally about having to wait several months to tell her co-workers about being pregnant and keeping her and her husband's attempts at getting pregnant a secret. She spoke about what it's like hearing that someone else had such an easy time getting pregnant while she and her husband were struggling. (Follow Jenn on Twitter @JennHobby) It was a very emotional segment about a personal ordeal that  radio personalities rarely share. She spoke very honestly about the all the emotions of feeling inadequate, the desires of having a baby, and the struggles to keep a very private matter private until she and her husband were ready to announce their good news.

That's when I lost my composure and had to go hide in a bathroom stall for a while. Nothing like being at work and having the unexpected feeling of loss at not having the larger family I always wanted. I was sobbing  knowing that we probably won't be holding our very own new baby in our arms again. That Riley won't be a big sister like she wants. That this is it for our family. Not that it's not perfect the way it is, but I think it's human nature to always want more especially if what you have is so good. But I would really like to have a son. Or another daughter. I just want another child.

There's also the fear that if we do get another child that one will be more of a challenge than Riley ever was. Yes there have been frustrating moments - but those truly have been rare and far between. She started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. She's never been that susceptible to illness other than the rare case of the sniffles or a cough. She's never been a picky eater other than a complete and utter disdain for peanuts and peanut butter. Or anything that those two things might be lurking in.

There was the time a few years ago when she had sudden and unexplained loss of balance. That was a fun day going through three doctors starting with her pediatrician and ending with a pediatric neurologist and an MRI. Turns out it was only a buildup of a huge plug of wax in her ear causing a pressure imbalance. It was without a doubt the scariest thing I have ever been through. And I've had several scary instances over the past few years where I thought I was going to lose one of my brothers. This was by far the worst thing to ever see. Trying to calm our three year old as she is laying in a hospital bed in her peach colored scrubs while they give her gas to put her under. There was no way around it as kids can't stay still long enough so they can do the MRI. Watching her fight it at first and then see her eyes roll back as the anesthesia takes effect was the absolute worst as I was trying to keep the thought out of my head that might be the last time I saw her. What would happen if she never woke up? What if something goes wrong? I hope we never have to do that again. It was only after seeing her in the recovery room sleeping soundly that I was able to give into those thoughts and just sobbed at what might have happened.

Aside from the medical scares, we also worry that the balance of the universe would give us a child who would be the exact opposite from Riley. A child who would keep us up at night. One that wouldn't be as healthy. One wouldn't have Riley's sense of humor, her compassion, or her sensitivity to the needs of others who don't have it as well as she does. I realize that even in the genetic pool it is all a crap shoot, but with adoption there are so many more variables. And it just seems like the more time that passes, the further away that dream of having a larger family becomes. I just have to put it out there and let God do the rest.