Robbie asked me recently why I even bother to engage people on the other side of the online marriage equality debate - the ones who brandish The Bible as if it were a weapon and can’t have any discussion that doesn’t equate homosexuality to perversions with animals, children, relatives, or all of the above in different configurations. He says, rightly so, that I’m not going to change their minds. The quick answer is it’s fun to make their heads burst when I don’t stoop to their level and instead offer a prayer that they might become more Christ-like by not judging others. Really though I do it to make our voices heard. They may be incapable of change - I hope that’s not always the case - but there might be someone who hasn’t made up their mind or maybe they’re open to other possibilities. Without saying anything we let the other side win by default.
There have been several times over the past ten years when I’ve had people I work with say that they don’t understand what the big deal is. They don’t understand why we need marriage equality “Can’t you just have legal papers drawn up?” Yeah we can and did. However they can be challenged by anyone at anytime plus we need to have them with us at all times in case of emergency. Luckily we haven’t run into any problems but I think that says more about where we live than anything else. We chose the north side of Indianapolis for its diversity.
But back to the point: when I explain everything that we have to worry about, about the stack of legal documents that we need as opposed to one single little marriage license, the cost of one versus the other, and the fact that if one of us were to suddenly die that everything gets tied up in probate if anyone challenges our final wills/wishes, well then people become a little more sympathetic and understanding. I remind them how those types of documents are challenged all the time. Even if we have everything dotted and crossed it still takes time to defend ourselves in court - with even more expenses on top of everything else, whereas a marriage license is not likely to be contested, doesn’t require a lawyer, and is a hell of a lot cheaper and quicker to get.
So, yeah. Maybe there are some people on the fence. Or there could be some people who haven’t given it much thought. Or maybe the only side they’ve heard has been the ones who have been the most vocal about why marriage equality is wrong. Speaking up is the best thing I can do. It’s the only thing I can do and hope that it makes a difference with someone.
Gay Rights VS Religious Freedoms
Last year there was a big news story out of Washington state about a bakery that refused to do a cake for a same sex wedding. The bakery owner cited their religious beliefs as preventing them from doing anything that could be construed as supporting gay marriage. The offended couple sued and won. I’m all for social progress but I really don’t think this is the way to go about it.
This may not be popular with some in the LGBT community but I don’t think we need special laws to protect us from bigoted business people and I’ll tell you why. If a private business doesn’t want to do business with a gay couple - or even single gay people - then they shouldn’t be legally forced to. Do I think that’s right for them to refuse someone based on their sexual orientation? Absolutely not. But it’s not my business to run or make decisions for them. There are plenty of other businesses out there that would be glad to take our money.
Just a few years ago there was a business here in Indianapolis that refused to do cookies for a National Coming Our Day event at IUPUI. The owner said he in good consciousness couldn’t make cookies for something that he and his wife felt would be against there religious beliefs. Another business, The Flying Cupcake, stepped in and made cupcakes for the event. Personally I’ve purchased many times from The Flying Cupcake if nothing else just to make sure that they knew how much I appreciated what they did - and they make a fabulous red velvet cupcake.
When Robbie and I were planning our commitment ceremony 10 years ago, we made a point to let all the vendors know that we were a gay couple and what we were doing. While doing research we read a few horror stories of last minute cancellations once a vendor realized they would be doing a gay wedding. We didn’t want that to happen and I think because of the honesty up front everything went perfect for us, everyone from the photographers to the bakery to the minister were amazing and did an amazing job making sure that we had a great day. If you had to choose between a place that was forced by law to serve you or the place that will graciously do business with you, I think the smart choice is the latter one.
Living Life The Best Way We Know How
Here’s the final part of the trilogy of thoughts. I think there is way too much shouting going on from both sides. Several years ago we were told by friends of ours that they were going to become Mommies because of what Robbie and I did by becoming fathers. That was the highest compliment I have ever received. We didn’t set out to be role models, but somehow we’ve become that for a small group of people. It’s also one of the reasons I do this blog - to let people see how really ordinary our lives are and how similar to theirs it is. We’re not perfect, far from it in fact which is one of the things people (straight people) are surprised to find out. We have the same arguments, the same worries, and the same dreams for our children that everyone else has. There is no “Gay Agenda” other than to make it through another day and thank God for everything we have.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it many more times that I’m the luckiest man in the world. I have the most understanding and supportive spouse that a guy could have. We’re lucky to have a beautiful, smart, funny, and caring daughter that I would do anything to protect from the harms in this world. We have a crazy ten year old Westie who acts more like a puppy than he probably should. A lot of this has less to do with luck than it does with a mindset.
I use to worry way to much about what other people thought of me and my life. It was exhausting living that way. It wasn’t an overnight realization and change of ways, but rather a pattern of one thing following another. You find out that it isn’t such a big deal at work to talk about your personal life when you quit playing the pronoun game. Then you realize that you can talk about your significant other and people go “Oh, I didn’t realize you were dating.” Then you think if everyone else around me is sharing about their life, then it’s no big deal to have pictures of my family at my desk. In fact it has opened up quite a few conversations, very respectable questions 99% of the time. The other 1% I think is just a lack of tact in asking questions with no ill intent behind them. At least that’s how I choose to look at it. If I start to question people’s motives it becomes exhausting always having my guard up.
So we live our lives. We don’t hide who we are. We don’t go around demanding that people accept us. Life is too short for constant confrontation. I hope that people are a little more accepting of us because of that and realize that we aren‘t so different after all. If you get past the differences, you might find out that we have more in common than you think.
