Three Parts Gay

Trolling the Trolls

Robbie asked me recently why I even bother to engage people on the other side of the online marriage equality debate - the ones who brandish The Bible as if it were a weapon and can’t have any discussion that doesn’t equate homosexuality to perversions with animals, children, relatives, or all of the above in different configurations. He says, rightly so, that I’m not going to change their minds. The quick answer is it’s fun to make their heads burst when I don’t stoop to their level and instead offer a prayer that they might become more Christ-like by not judging others.  Really though I do it to make our voices heard. They may be incapable of change - I hope that’s not always the case - but there might be someone who hasn’t made up their mind or maybe they’re open to other possibilities. Without saying anything we let the other side win by default.

There have been several times over the past ten years when I’ve had people I work with say that they don’t understand what the big deal is. They don’t understand why we need marriage equality “Can’t you just have legal papers drawn up?” Yeah we can and did. However they can be challenged by anyone at anytime plus we need to have them with us at all times in case of emergency.  Luckily we haven’t run into any problems but I think that says more about where we live than anything else. We chose the north side of Indianapolis for its diversity.

But back to the point: when I explain everything that we have to worry about, about the stack of legal documents that we need as opposed to one single little marriage license, the cost of one versus the other, and the fact that if one of us were to suddenly die that everything gets tied up in probate if anyone challenges our final wills/wishes, well then people become a little more sympathetic and understanding. I remind them how those types of documents are challenged all the time. Even if we have everything dotted and crossed it still takes time to defend ourselves in court - with even more expenses on top of everything else, whereas a marriage license is not likely to be contested, doesn’t require a lawyer, and is a hell of a lot cheaper and quicker to get.

So, yeah. Maybe there are some people on the fence. Or there could be some people who haven’t given it much thought. Or maybe the only side they’ve heard has been the ones who have been the most vocal about why marriage equality is wrong. Speaking up is the best thing I can do. It’s the only thing I can do and hope that it makes a difference with someone.


Gay Rights VS Religious Freedoms

Last year there was a big news story out of Washington state about a bakery that refused to do a cake for a same sex wedding. The bakery owner cited their religious beliefs as preventing them from doing anything that could be construed as supporting gay marriage. The offended couple sued and won. I’m all for social progress but I really don’t think this is the way to go about it.

This may not be popular with some in the LGBT community but I don’t think we need special laws to protect us from bigoted business people and I’ll tell you why.  If a private business doesn’t want to do business with a gay couple - or even single gay people - then they shouldn’t be legally forced to. Do I think that’s right for them to refuse someone based on their sexual orientation? Absolutely not. But it’s not my business to run or make decisions for them. There are plenty of other businesses out there that would be glad to take our money.

Just a few years ago there was a business here in Indianapolis that refused to do cookies for a National Coming Our Day event at IUPUI. The owner said he in good consciousness couldn’t make cookies for something that he and his wife felt would be against there religious beliefs. Another business, The Flying Cupcake, stepped in and made cupcakes for the event. Personally I’ve purchased many times from The Flying Cupcake if nothing else just to make sure that they knew how much I appreciated what they did - and they make a fabulous red velvet cupcake.

When Robbie and I were planning our commitment ceremony 10 years ago, we made a point to let all the vendors know that we were a gay couple and what we were doing. While doing research we read a few horror stories of last minute cancellations once a vendor realized they would be doing a gay wedding. We didn’t want that to happen and I think because of the honesty up front everything went perfect for us, everyone from the photographers to the bakery to the minister were amazing and did an amazing job making sure that we had a great day. If you had to choose between a place that was forced by law to serve you or the place that will graciously do business with you, I think the smart choice is the latter one.


Living Life The Best Way We Know How

Here’s the final part of the trilogy of thoughts. I think there is way too much shouting going on from both sides. Several years ago we were told by friends of ours that they were going to become Mommies because of what Robbie and I did by becoming fathers. That was the highest compliment I have ever received. We didn’t set out to be role models, but somehow we’ve become that for a small group of people. It’s also one of the reasons I do this blog - to let people see how really ordinary our lives are and how similar to theirs it is. We’re not perfect, far from it in fact which is one of the things people (straight people) are surprised to find out. We have the same arguments, the same worries, and the same dreams for our children that everyone else has. There is no “Gay Agenda” other than to make it through another day and thank God for everything we have.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it many more times that I’m the luckiest man in the world. I have the most understanding and supportive spouse that a guy could have. We’re lucky to have a beautiful, smart, funny, and caring daughter that I would do anything to protect from the harms in this world. We have a crazy ten year old Westie who acts more like a puppy than he probably should. A lot of this has less to do with luck than it does with a mindset.

I use to worry way to much about what other people thought of me and my life. It was exhausting living that way. It wasn’t an overnight realization and change of ways, but rather a pattern of one thing following another. You find out that it isn’t such a big deal at work to talk about your personal life when you quit playing the pronoun game. Then you realize that you can talk about your significant other and people go “Oh, I didn’t realize you were dating.” Then you think if everyone else around me is sharing about their life, then it’s no big deal to have pictures of my family at my desk. In fact it has opened up quite a few conversations, very respectable questions 99% of the time. The other 1% I think is just a lack of tact in asking questions with no ill intent behind them. At least that’s how I choose to look at it. If I start to question people’s motives it becomes exhausting always having my guard up.

So we live our lives. We don’t hide who we are. We don’t go around demanding that people accept us. Life is too short for constant confrontation. I hope that people are a little more accepting of us because of that and realize that we aren‘t so different after all. If you get past the differences, you might find out that we have more in common than you think.

Bullies and Marriage Equality

Faggot. Queer. Cocksucker.

I’ll take “Names from high school” for $1000 Alex. Yup, I heard them all. Now I wonder how they knew about me back then when I never acted on my feelings. Okay, there was that one time at band camp, but I’m not sure that mutual masturbation under the covers truly counts as a sexual encounter.  Quasi-encounter maybe. But my first full blown (no pun intended) gay sexual experience didn't occur until I was 21.

I debated about putting a warning at the beginning of this because that language isn't what I normally put into my writing. But I figured the shock might be good for readers to have - if they’re shocked at all. I certainly was when I was reminded of how strangers are during an online debate about marriage equality here in Indiana. Once the other guy pulled out the queer word I thanked him for the reminder of what people really think and that I mistakenly thought I had left the bullying shoved into a corner of my high school locker like some wadded up piece of notebook paper. Luckily  though I was never stuffed into one - even though  back then I probably would have fit. I did however have books knocked out of my hands, got tripped in the hallway one day, faggot and cocksucker hissed at me in passing, and once had my school t-shirt ripped off one shoulder in the lunch line. That was a fun afternoon going around from class to class with my shirt held together on one side by a couple of safety pins all because two of school jocks decided they couldn't wait behind me.

So even if I did leave all that back in high school, there are plenty of people to remind me that they haven’t. People like Mike Delph, Micah Clark, Mike Pence, and a cast of several dozen internet commentators (not here) who remind me on a daily basis that the “home-sek-shuls” are not fit to breath the same air as the fine upstanding, God fearing, bible thumping, people of the Great State of Indiana! Why how dare I say that I’m a Christian? How dare I raise a child in this god-less house with my deviant husband? How dare I still live? Why I should just go kill myself and save humanity from my evil wicked ways. Yes, I've heard that one also.

But I’m the bully. Any guesses as to why? Because I demand to have my civil rights is why. Because I refuse to go “back in the closet” or better “see the sickness and depravity of” my life by opening my eyes. The latter help came from a man who said he lived the same “sick deviant” life that I live until he woke up one day to see how sick it really was. I wanted to say that he apparently wasn't doing it right (or maybe he was?) but instead I just said that my family and I would be praying that one day he would wake up and see that judging people wasn't his job and that he would be able to accept all people just as Christ did. I think I actually heard his head explode all the way from northern Indiana at that one.

Here’s the irony of the whole marriage equality debate. I’m already married. We were married in a church in a very traditional ceremony right here in Indianapolis. The difference between our wedding and state sanctioned marriages? There were two grooms at the altar and no license. We had called it a commitment ceremony, but that changed once we heard the minister introduce us at church services the next morning as having been married in their sanctuary the previous day. We were stunned when the whole congregation cheered. They cheered for two queer men who had stood at the front of their church and declared in front of our families, our friend, and our God that we would be spend the rest of our lives together.

Here are a few things to consider if you're on the other side from me on this issue: A county clerk's office issues a marriage license, not a church. You don't have to be married in a church for it to be legal. Without going into all the other "arguments" what a marriage is at it's most base level is a legal contract between two consenting adults of legal age witnessed by two other adults of consenting age. A person can't marry a toaster or their dog because the first is an inanimate object and the second is an animal and neither is capable of signing a legal contract.

Faggot. Six letters, one really harsh word. But you know what? I would rather hear it than have someone be told they aren't allowed to use it. At least then I’ll know who I’m dealing with once it escapes their lips. Call it gay marriage if you want, it doesn't make it any different than what you and your spouse have. If allowing me and my husband to be legally married somehow threatens your "straight" marriage then I strongly suspect there are other issues at work that have nothing to do with two men or two women getting married.

October 30, 2004 - Central Christian Church

A Home in Indiana?

Today I was watching some of the Indiana Senate hearing on HJR-3. For those not familiar with HJR-3 (formerly HJR-6) it is a proposed amendment to the Indiana Constitution that would prohibit marriage equality or anything resembling marriage for gay people. Indiana requires any changes to the state constitution to be ratified by two consecutive legislative sessions before going to a voter referendum. Here is the language that was passed in the prior legislature:

HJR-3 Language

“Only a marriage between one (1) man and one (1) woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Indiana.

“A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized.”

(and here is where I had a whole bunch of dry facts about the legislative process - none of which I wanted to read through so I'm sure no one else did either)

A few weeks ago the Indiana House passed HJR-3 without the second sentence. Today the Senate committee heard testimony and voted to send it to the full Senate also without the second sentence and it will very likely come to a vote later this week. During all the testimony I read the live feed on Facebook and Twitter while trying to hold down the fear of what the passage of HJR-3‪‎ will mean to my family. I wonder if people realize that this is more than just legally defining marriage in this state, but is more about how Indiana will view my family. We are a happy little bunch, and I know we are loved by our family and friends here. But to live in the state I grew up in and returned home to so we could raise our daughter would become unthinkable and not possible any longer. There is a limit to what a stack of legal paperwork can do to protect us and it is a large stack. 

I'm not sure how things will turn out, but to hear several groups stand on research as to why a mother and a father are necessary for children to have any hopes of growing up well adjusted made we wonder how things got so twisted around. We speak about the legal protections afforded by marriage and they shout "but the bible defines marriage as one man, one woman!" They speak of stable traditional homes as the basis for child rearing and we ask "isn't that what we're doing now?" 

Seriously. The picture of values the conservative right is painting is one very similar to what we have with the only difference being there are two guys instead of a guy and a gal under this roof raising a child. We have dinner as a family every night. Robbie is on the school PTO. We both attend our daughters recitals. We wonder if our 50 year old septic system will hold up until the city finally comes through with city services. We vote and pay taxes. We worry if our daughter is doing well enough in school. And now we worry about this piece of legislation. 

This is what it boils down to: This is a legal matter not a religious one. Marriage licenses are issued by county clerks not by churches to two consenting adults. Not three or more. Not to an adult and a minor. Or animals. Or toasters. The last three are precluded from signing legal contracts - the first because they aren't old enough, the latter because they are either not a cognizant or sentient being. There is no clause saying you have to procreate or have a religious ceremony when you apply for one - both of which being arguments for denying marriage equality. If your church doesn't support same sex marriage then you can believe that your church won't be forced to perform any. In fact I can personally guarantee that we won't even set foot in your sanctuary. 

And here's a question for the conservative religious faction. If you really think that religion should be a reason for enacting laws then which religion should it be? Hebrew, Muslim, Buddhism, Scientology, or any of the other numerous religion? Christians can't even agree on the same interpretation of the Bible whether they be Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, or Episcopalian. There is a very practical reason for separation of church and state - no one has ever been able to find a common ground among all of them. Okay maybe one thing - Love.